Losing it..

I lost it last night... What was it I lost.. I am still trying to sort that out.. Faith? Foucs? Understanding? My Mind? Peace?
As I sat on the couch with my little new born next to me wanting his Mama to love on him. While I was stuggling to eat squash which was in a soup like state. I lost it! In the middle of stuggling to get a full breath and pain shooting thur me it came out. What came out suprised me. No it can be that. The more I cried the more i knew what it was. I made my way upstairs to sleep.. Maybe sleep would help. I laid my head on my pillow only to hear Riley cry. He woke up just as i laid him down. I punched the pillow. Sleep will have to wait i wispered in frustration. I picked him up and begin to nusrse him. It rose up once again in me. I should not have to stuggle to sit up and hold my baby. As i laided in the dark with Riley at my breast and Wayne by my side tears begin to rolled down my face. Was it fear? Maybe..... I laided in silence my face wet from the uncontrolble tears that fell to my pillow. I have to say I am not a crier. I don't cry at sad movies or halmark adds. I rarely cry at death inless it very close to me. So i always wonder and what is really going on with me when i do cry. I did fall asleep last night to the sounds of Rileys heart beating next to mine and the touch of My husbands arms around me and the help of some meds to help me relax. Sleep may have happend but rest did not. I woke up still in a state of unrest. Fear was that what was coming out of me? It Surprised me. Not me the woman who trust God for everything. I know who my God is and what he is able to do. I know he is the God who moves mountiaons and cast them into the sea. I think i felt a little like the people felt before crossing the red sea. They had seen the mighting things God had done to save them but yet fear must have been in their hearts as they stood before the red sea and the Armey of Egyptians riding up behide them. How was it they were able to step into the sea without fear? What was it that made them able? I was reminded today what the book of Hebrews says. It talks about what it was that made them able... One Word... Faith... The Message writes it this way.. Hebrews 1-2 The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd. It goes on to talk about faith being what made the Noah able to built a ship in the middle of dry land. It was Faith that made barren Sarah was able to become pregnant. it was By Faith that the the Israelites marched around the walls of Jericho for seven days and the walls fell flat. It was Faith. Hebrews 11: 32-40 in the Message says this: I could go on and on, but I've run out of time. There are so many more— Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, the prophets....Through acts of faith, they toppled kingdoms, made justice work, took the promises for themselves. They were protected from lions, fires, and sword thrusts, turned disadvantage to advantage, won battles, routed alien armies. Women received their loved ones back from the dead. There were those who, under torture, refused to give in and go free, preferring something better: resurrection. Others braved abuse and whips, and, yes, chains and dungeons. We have stories of those who were stoned, sawed in two, murdered in cold blood; stories of vagrants wandering the earth in animal skins, homeless, friendless, powerless—the world didn't deserve them!—making their way as best they could on the cruel edges of the world. Not one of these people, even though their lives of faith were exemplary, got their hands on what was promised. God had a better plan for us: that their faith and our faith would come together to make one completed whole, their lives of faith not complete apart from ours. As I woke up this moring I came to understand that it was not fear that over came me it was losing my faith that made me fearful. Not believing that even thou i can not see the end or even tommrow it would be ok. Wayne said to me last night.. It will be ok Honey, I snapped back to him How do you know? He smiled and said because I know God has good things planned for us. I have said to him and others that it is not the end of all this i am worried about it is the going thur part. Not being able to see what is next. I know in my knower that God is able to shut the mouths of Lions I am just afaird of facing the Lion. SO as my hubby would say I need to pull up my boot straps and jump in to the Lions den. Boots on, Staps pulled up and facing the Lion Den... Beans words for the day..