Monday, October 26, 2009

Losing it..

I lost it last night... What was it I lost.. I am still trying to sort that out.. Faith? Foucs? Understanding? My Mind? Peace?
As I sat on the couch with my little new born next to me wanting his Mama to love on him. While I was stuggling to eat squash which was in a soup like state. I lost it! In the middle of stuggling to get a full breath and pain shooting thur me it came out. What came out suprised me. No it can be that. The more I cried the more i knew what it was. I made my way upstairs to sleep.. Maybe sleep would help. I laid my head on my pillow only to hear Riley cry. He woke up just as i laid him down. I punched the pillow. Sleep will have to wait i wispered in frustration. I picked him up and begin to nusrse him. It rose up once again in me. I should not have to stuggle to sit up and hold my baby. As i laided in the dark with Riley at my breast and Wayne by my side tears begin to rolled down my face. Was it fear? Maybe..... I laided in silence my face wet from the uncontrolble tears that fell to my pillow. I have to say I am not a crier. I don't cry at sad movies or halmark adds. I rarely cry at death inless it very close to me. So i always wonder and what is really going on with me when i do cry. I did fall asleep last night to the sounds of Rileys heart beating next to mine and the touch of My husbands arms around me and the help of some meds to help me relax. Sleep may have happend but rest did not. I woke up still in a state of unrest. Fear was that what was coming out of me? It Surprised me. Not me the woman who trust God for everything. I know who my God is and what he is able to do. I know he is the God who moves mountiaons and cast them into the sea. I think i felt a little like the people felt before crossing the red sea. They had seen the mighting things God had done to save them but yet fear must have been in their hearts as they stood before the red sea and the Armey of Egyptians riding up behide them. How was it they were able to step into the sea without fear? What was it that made them able? I was reminded today what the book of Hebrews says. It talks about what it was that made them able... One Word... Faith... The Message writes it this way.. Hebrews 1-2 The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd. It goes on to talk about faith being what made the Noah able to built a ship in the middle of dry land. It was Faith that made barren Sarah was able to become pregnant. it was By Faith that the the Israelites marched around the walls of Jericho for seven days and the walls fell flat. It was Faith. Hebrews 11: 32-40 in the Message says this: I could go on and on, but I've run out of time. There are so many more— Gideon, Barak, Samson, Jephthah, David, Samuel, the prophets....Through acts of faith, they toppled kingdoms, made justice work, took the promises for themselves. They were protected from lions, fires, and sword thrusts, turned disadvantage to advantage, won battles, routed alien armies. Women received their loved ones back from the dead. There were those who, under torture, refused to give in and go free, preferring something better: resurrection. Others braved abuse and whips, and, yes, chains and dungeons. We have stories of those who were stoned, sawed in two, murdered in cold blood; stories of vagrants wandering the earth in animal skins, homeless, friendless, powerless—the world didn't deserve them!—making their way as best they could on the cruel edges of the world. Not one of these people, even though their lives of faith were exemplary, got their hands on what was promised. God had a better plan for us: that their faith and our faith would come together to make one completed whole, their lives of faith not complete apart from ours. As I woke up this moring I came to understand that it was not fear that over came me it was losing my faith that made me fearful. Not believing that even thou i can not see the end or even tommrow it would be ok. Wayne said to me last night.. It will be ok Honey, I snapped back to him How do you know? He smiled and said because I know God has good things planned for us. I have said to him and others that it is not the end of all this i am worried about it is the going thur part. Not being able to see what is next. I know in my knower that God is able to shut the mouths of Lions I am just afaird of facing the Lion. SO as my hubby would say I need to pull up my boot straps and jump in to the Lions den. Boots on, Staps pulled up and facing the Lion Den... Beans words for the day..

I feel a little like Peter today..

Peter the Friend of Jesus who wanted so very much to trust Jesus to Believe Jesus but his flesh always got in the way.

I feel like Peter today and well truth be known alot of days. I feel like Peter standing on the egde of the boat one foot in the boat and the other ready to touch the waters below.
Matthew 14:22-31 We read this story of Jesus and Peter. 25 During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear. 27But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." 28"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." 29"Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 3 0But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" 31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

Doubt is a funny thing.. You can say to your self and others you have no doubt that God is who he says he is but when you like Peter have one foot in the boat and the other one half in the water doubt comes. Who was it that Peter Doubted? Himself? No because he knew he was not able to walk on water before this night what would have changed? He was just a fishermen. That it was reallyJesus out on the water? I think that before he got out of the boat he doubted it was Jesus voice he was hearing.. Verse 28 says "And Peter answered Him, Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water"

We are so much like Peter in that way.. If thats you Lord talking to me then command me to step out in faith! Do something I have never done before! Tell me that is you i am hearing and not myself!Give me a sign! There is no need for faith when we have a sign that it is the right thing to do. But what happen after Peter knew it was Jesus? What happen when his feet hit the water and he begin to walk on water! Something he knew he was not able to do! A leap of Faith! He stank..... What happen that made Peter sink? Verse 30 says But when he perceived and felt the strong wind, he was frightened, and as he began to sink, he cried out, Lord, save me [from death]! Peter looked at what was going on around him and not at Jesus. I don't think Peter doubted Jesus because he asked him to save him. So this tells me that Peter did not doubt who Jesus was or what he was able to do but rather what Peter was able to do with him. He did not trust Jesus to enable him to walk on water.. To Do the thing he had never thought possbile before. I have felt a little like Peter on the boat out in the middle of the water in the dark. One foot on the boat the other just about to touch the water.. I am sure Peters thoughts were like mine.. Can i do this? This thing that I never dreamed Possbile? A pharse has been in my Spirit all week.. Trust me I am able to do all things.

The thing Peter and I forgot were that it is us that are not able to do anything.. It is he that is in us that is greater then anything in the world. We are made able to do all things thur him.

I go back once again to John 15 verse 7 "If you remain in me and follow my teachings, you can ask anything you want, and it will be given to you."

Ok feet out of the boat... Listening to your voice.. What next?

God inclining his ear to me

A few weeks ago we learned in Sunday school about us inclining our ear to God and he would Incline his ear to us.

The term or the act of inclining ones ear means to, bending forward or lean toward where ever the noise is. Pay attention to the person talking to you. Really Listen to what they are saying.. Not just listen but Hear what they are saying.

How often did we hear as children Are you HEARING what i am saying? We often don't incline our ears to each other never mind God? But do we really understand that he is always inclining his ear to us?
Sure when we pray we know he hears us but the ? I have today is do we understand that his ear is always inclined to us even when we are not praying. Or course we know GOd knows all things at all times but does he really HEAR to me all the time? What am I getting at is I think we forget that GOd is with us all the time. Watching Listening to our everyday life. He hears the whispers or our heart in the dark of the night. He sees our heart break when no one else can thur our fake smile.He hears the soft thought that passes thur our mind.

God sees us and hears us even when we are not talking to him.

Yes God wants us to incline our ear to him because what he has to say to us is Life changing!!! He is speaking to us and we need to HEAR him not just listen like it is white noise in the back ground.

I had this moment yesterday morning not a prayer not even a spoken word but a passing thought about Dog food.. Silly huh..? I open the door to the bin where we store our Dogs food. I scooped it out and saw it was low.. Great! We are going to need to buy Dog food i thought. Which for those of you who don't have pets Dog food is not cheap! And besides 2 weeks I have been our of work since June! SO money is not growing on trees around here.. So my mind and heart yesterday was thinking Great $30 bucks for dog food!.. But my God was inclining his ear to me.

Wayne calls me just a few hours later.. Hey honey this lady i work with just gave me 3 big bags of Dog food for us! And also 4 bags of Cat food for your mom.. There is a story behide why she had it and why she was getting rit of it. but no need to get into that.. It was a GOd thing.. He heard my heart because he was inclining his ear to me because he loves me so much to not just met the needs of me but bless me enough to be able to bless others too.. when I am weak he is So strong...


Yesterday was the first day of fall..
Maybe you missed it but right before your eyes a season changed.. As I laided in bed last night trying to stop my mind so i could get a few winks before Riley was looking for milk from me once again, The thought came to me that it was the first day of fall. A season change.
I love fall, Lived in Vermont most of my life. Where to me there is no better place to be during Fall then the green mountions that turn a wonderful rainbow of reds and yellow with a hint of golden browns as sunshine hits the leafs. One of my favotie pass times is to sit outside in the fall with a hot cup of tea and just smell the air. Crips and clear, with Apples and Pumkins armoas all around. Hay rides under a harvest moon wraped in blankets next to your love and bomfires to warm you with Hot Cider in hand. I love fall.. but it like all season change. I remember a chat i had with Mikki Earle this summer at camp. She said Robyn God has a Well under you. I can hear it when you talk about your teaching the kids here she said. I smiled it was just what i needed to hear.I shared with her about how i felt pretty dry the last year. Overwalmed with a pregancy that was not easy and two other kids to homeschool and childcare to run and a house and husband to take care of. She reasured me that it was just a season and that I had a whole life ahead of me. That she had been where i was at and it would change just like season do. That God was not done with me yet. My heart was so glad to hear those words. I was taken back to that bench in my bed last night. It was if God was saying Robyn this is just a season and it will change. So i started to think about why we have Fall? Everything turns brown and dies. Go to sleep for winter months. But after Fall has turned into winter the ice and snow will melt and spring comes.. New life.... What we miss is that during the fall and winter months new life is laying benether the earth waiting to spring forth! Without Fall and Winter the new life of spring would never come. We would never even know there was a spring! In the fall we harvest the Gardens cut back the vines and trees.. To perpare for Spring and all the new life it brings.. John 15 says 1 "I am the true vine; my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch of mine that does not produce fruit. And he trims and cleans every branch that produces fruit so that it will produce even more fruit.3 You are already clean because of the words I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, and I will remain in you. A branch cannot produce fruit alone but must remain in the vine. In the same way, you cannot produce fruit alone but must remain in me. 5 "I am the vine, and you are the branches. If any remain in me and I remain in them, they produce much fruit. But without me they can do nothing. 6 If any do not remain in me, they are like a branch that is thrown away and then dies. People pick up dead branches, throw them into the fire, and burn them.7 If you remain in me and follow my teachings, you can ask anything you want, and it will be given to you.8 You should produce much fruit and show that you are my followers, which brings glory to my Father.9 I loved you as the Father loved me. Now remain in my love.10 I have obeyed my Father's commands, and I remain in his love. In the same way, if you obey my commands, you will remain in my love. 11 I have told you these things so that you can have the same joy I have and so that your joy will be the fullest possible joy. My joy is going to remain full because i know that even thou this season I am in is dark and full of cold days. I have a hope of Spring in my life. I sat on the bed this moring with my daughter who is full of fear for her Mommy. I said Honey God knows what he is doing and he loves me more then you do. He loves you and Noah and Riley and Daddy more then I do. He is taking care of us. He knows what he is doing. We will just have to trust him during this season. Soon we will look back and see what God was doing in this. Trust me when i say right now this is in my heart and mind but i know over the next few weeks I may need to go back and read this again to remind myself that this too shell pass. Its just a season and God has more for me to do. A well is not dug to dry up but rather to supply water during spring to fed rthe seeds that are planted to bring new life. I believe that after all is said in done I will see new life from this. God knows what he is doing and that is where my hope lays. I hope as you go into this fall season you will remember these words... It may be fall and winter may be coming but Spring is just around the corner Peace and Love BEAN......